Yes, I fully support these alcohol bans!

This week, I read a Financial Times article on drinking bans in Australia that made me think: Yes, I totally agree! I know, surprising.

Well, lest I lose credibility as a staunch defender of individual freedom in the eyes of some of you, I am not talking about government bans. Rather, it seems that, in the words of the Financial Times (link here) “[o]ne of Australia’s largest banks is reviewing whether it should ban its staff from drinking alcohol during work hours.”… Well, yeah!

I had to laugh.

Drinking and Driving Financial Markets

“Hey Bob, when you’re done vomiting in your trash can, could you hit the ‘buy’ button for this stock?” … “Sorry, Jim, but I’m still seeing double. I’ll aim for the middle ‘buy’ button…”

Okay, that’s not the actual scenario — that we know of! — but the article does say that ANZ Bank in Australia decided it should probably review — REVIEW! — their policy on drinking at work after some “incidents of bad behaviour on its Sydney trading floor”.

Now that’s some video footage I’d like to see. What happened? A brawl? Did Bob pass out? Drop his pants? Inquiring minds would like to know.

We learn in the article that some traders have left the bank in recent months, with others receiving warnings after “being drunk in the office.” A warning? Oh, thanks. That’s comforting.

“Dear passengers, no worries. At this airline, all pilots caught drunk at work get a stern warning letter from HR.”¹

“No worries. At this hospital, all doctors caught drunk at work get a stern warning letter from HR.”

Now, I’m a professor. We’re a pretty liberal group; some of us wear tie-dye t-shirts to work, have ponytails, and smoke recently legalized plants in the evenings. But if I showed up drunk to teach a class, I’d be fired. I think. … Hmm. I can hear my mom saying, “Chris, don’t try it just to find out!”

I mean, really, raise your hand if you have a job where it’s totally okay to be drunk at work: brain surgeon? Taxi driver? Airplane pilot? Construction worker? Dentist? What? If you have a job other than, say, “wine taster,” where it’s fine to be drunk at work, please add a note in the comment section. I want to know.

I think the people working at the DMV and some other state agencies probably drink at work, and trust me, I get it. I want to drink when I just enter their workplace. But still, they probably shouldn’t. I had a friend once whose passport had the wrong last name on it. Again, no evidence here, but now I’m thinking drunk government employees are a possible explanation.

That being said, I wouldn’t encourage most people to drink at work. Even rock stars eventually run into problems with drinking on the job.

Back to ANZ Bank

The article continues with more disturbing news.

It explains that there’s been increased “scrutiny” of the at-work drinking culture in recent years. Scrutiny. That’s as comforting as learning that they issue “warnings.” And I have to laugh at the next line. It says that this new scrutiny is “giving rise to the notion that the era of the ‘liquid lunch’ ha[s] passed.”

The notion? Really, the notion that the era of liquid lunches has passed. Really?! It’s 2024, people. Probably about time to drop the idea of the liquid lunch at our banks and other financial institutions.

Surely It’s Just an Australian Thing

It seems that this is not new in the world of high finance. But we learn that others dealt with the liquid lunch, drunk-at-work problem years ago. Whew. Thankfully.

The article continues to explain that the London Metal Exchange banned drinking in — banned it in 2019. What?! In 2019?! I figured they banned it maybe in 1819 or 1919. You have to be kidding me. They only banned it in 2019!?

Oh, and it continues to explain that this move came two years after — TWO years after — Lloyd’s of London banned its staff from drinking during office hours. What? Lloyd’s of London is THE FAMOUS INSURANCE company. They insure international ships and nuclear reactors and stuff like that! They only decided in 2017 to ban drinking at work?! You have got to be kidding me!

This all makes a lot of sense. Those of us not in the trading/investment game have long thought you people were just throwing darts. We just didn’t realize it was at the pub during work hours.

This Reminds of A Personal Story

I must sadly confess that I have been aware of financial people drinking at work for some time now and just didn’t say anything. You see, in 1992, I studied for a semester at the London School of Economics and witnessed this firsthand.

We lived in a place called Butler’s Wharf. To get to class, we walked across London Bridge and took the metro or walked. Somewhere during that journey, I remember going through an area where every pub was full of people already working on their second pint of beer. Several of us walked that same route, and I remember asking another student, “Who are those people? It’s not even 9 a.m. and they’re already hitting the pub.” Answer: “That’s the financial district. They’re getting a few pints in before work.”

That is a 100% true story. I’ll never forget it. Even then, at 20 years old and enjoying the local pubs myself (legally, I might add, in the UK at 20), I didn’t go before class! Even then, I thought that was nuts.

Clearly, that practice didn’t really die in 1992 in London. Lloyd’s of London finally stepped up…in 2017. And the London Metal Exchange…in 2019.

Some Conclusions

So, next time we all see the stock market jump or go crazy, let’s not be so quick to let them all off the hook. Are you people enjoying your “liquid lunches” again? If so, stop it, at least if you are managing my retirement account.

I’m not in favor of prohibition, but I’m okay with a company saying it’s a bad idea to drink beers while picking stocks or managing complex international insurance contracts. I’m just sayin’. It doesn’t seem all that smart to me. But it does explain a lot.

I’ll leave this last one for those who want to Google more. Search for articles, about 2 years old now, concerning the scandals at the U.S. FDIC involving drinking, drug, and sex parties. Those are the U.S. government regulators of our biggest financial institutions!

There’s something in those financial people. Okay, I guess it’s alcohol. (Ha, sorry, couldn’t resist.) But anyway, either they need to stop it or I need to change jobs to someplace where I too can drink at work. Perhaps then I’d worry less about how they’re managing my retirement account.

I hope you laughed at all this as much as I did. I hope I’ve finally written a column to make readers, like my friend and reader GM.B.Z., smile.

There’s enough to get us down these days. Let’s remember there’s also plenty in the world we should be laughing at. Not laughing with. Laughing at. This is absurd. We should laugh. And they should not manage financial accounts drunk. Pretty basic stuff.

Thanks for reading.

1. You know, of course, there was a scandal about pilots drinking between flights. It was several years ago now and I believe they were all fired immediately.